If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
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