I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
