my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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