While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize