So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
