Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I need a burrito and a hug.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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