Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
