I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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