Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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