I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
