Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
