Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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