I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
