I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
