I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
PANTIES FOUND
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
