I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
