i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You've changed since you got that strap on
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