There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
