We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
