I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
