They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Randomize
