listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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