I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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