just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
