you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
