I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Randomize
