You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
