I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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