just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
