How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
