i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
