so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize