I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
