Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
