...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
