You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
