also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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