I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
