His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
organizing the empties. That sober.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
