just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
