Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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