My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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