I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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