that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
