I'm so fucking centered right now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
