guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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