I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
