Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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