Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
