So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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