dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
