I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
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