So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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