oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He passed out mid-signature
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
