Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
