Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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