I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
