I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Watching her eat just hurts me
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
