Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
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