I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
