she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
