I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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