I think i peed on brittanys purse
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
