I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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