Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
