So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
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