I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
